now that ephraim is five weeks old (where did the time go!!), i think i am ready to talk about the experiences of the first few weeks.

some of you may have noticed the new "favourites" section on the left sidebar entitled "Postpartum Links", and yes i have been diagnosed with mild to moderate postpartum depression and am on medication for it.

i think it may have started while i was still pregnant with ephraim. i had times where i would just cry and cry for no apparent reason... i just chalked it up to being 9 months pregnant in august, chasing around a toddler... the usual stuff. but, the day after i had ephraim, i started crying in the hospital, and pretty much couldn't stop for two weeks. i think what started it was the trouble he had with breastfeeding early on. as a mother, you feel like such a failure when you can't get your child to breastfeed. especially since it's what you're expected to do! and especially when keyzia caught on to it with no trouble at all.... i had had little to no sleep in a room with two other women. one of which was incredibly annoying and was constantly buzzing the nurse and whining all the time. also, i had the bed by the bathroom, which had continuous traffic. no rest after giving birth equals a very emotional jamie!!

the nurses and dr's at the hospital were absolutely fabulous. after that fist night, my nurse moved us into a private room, even though our insurance wouldn't cover it. she explained that if it was their decision, it didn't matter. at least then i could get some rest. at that point, ephraim still wasn't nursing well, and every time i tried to nurse him, even with help, i would get so frustrated, and he would get so frustrated because he was hungry and not getting anything, that we would both be crying. once again, the nurses were absolutely fabulous... i can't stress that enough! they basically told me not to worry too much about it, and they supplemented him and worked with both of us. i was even told that they wouldn't send me home until ephraim got the hang of it... which he sort of has by now, considering how often he's attached to me!

so, i was still weepy when i went home. oh the crying, the crying!! it was really horrible, the lack of control that i felt... the disconnection from the world. especially when i have these two absolutely beautiful children to love... a fabulous and supportive husband... what the heck was i crying for?

we had to take ephraim in for an extra weigh in at the dr's, and the dr that we saw (ours was on holidays) prescribed me some anti-depressants (celexa), and set me up with another dr. at the hospital. i was "officially" diagnosed with postpartum depression. i also have "emergency" anti-anxiety drugs so that if i'm having a really bad day, i can feel better more quickly.

i am feeling so much more like myself now. i still have good days and bad days, and i'll be on the anti-depressants for a while, i've joined a support group, and am definitely doing much better. while i'm still pretty weepy, that really isn't much different from the way i was to begin with!

while i've been pretty quiet about this with most people.... i have to send out huge thanks for the incredible support i've gotten from my girlfriend jen, who came out at the drop of a hat, and let me cry on her shoulder more times than i can tell. it didn't even matter why i was crying to her, she just handled it!! connie has been great, finally dragging me out of my apartment for a visit with her.... my family, my sister ashley who was amazing and put up with us and slept on the couch for two weeks, my parents in particular have also been really amazing. not pushing, but if i wanted to talk or needed anything, they were always right there. especially, and perhaps most importantly, jason. my wonderful husband has been my rock. from dr's appts, to the endless and unconditional love, he has been supremely fabulous and amazing. i could not have gotten through those first few weeks without him.

so, this has been the trial that the Lord has given me at the moment... a few people have said to me (manda, being one of them!!), that maybe i have to go through this so that later i can help someone in the same position. i think this has also given me a huge sense of compassion for others who have emotional difficulties. really, the lack of control you feel over yourself and your own emotions is phenomenol and overwhelming. i feel like i can share this now because i feel like i am dealing with the problem, i have regained control of myself. and, i also don't feel ashamed of it anymore.... well, for the most part anyways! postpartum depression is an illness. an illness that sometimes can only be controlled with medications, and i happen to be one of the 40 odd percent of women who get it.

but, while every cloud does not have a silver lining, for me anyways, the sun is definitely peeking through....