I've been taking 'crazy pills' now for...  oh, almost two years.  I was put on them back when I was just three months pregnant with Talya.

It was a good decision at the time.  I honestly could hardly cope for a long time WHILE being pumped full of their feel good medicinal qualities.  I have a history of post partum depression, with the last two kids, and once the warning signs hit, my doctor lost no time in getting the drugs into my system before it got really bad.

And you know what?  It was worse this time...  and yet it was better too.  Ja understood more.  We knew what to expect.  Our support level before the baby was born was through the roof.  Some days I simply cried... and he simply held me.

We are so incredibly blessed that Ja, also known as Wonderhusband, was able to take about ten months off of work for parental leave.  Ah, how I love living in Ontario!  Having him home was wonderful at first.  He really got a taste for how it is to be home all the time.  He looked at me one day after he had been home for about a week and said, "How do you do this ALL. THE.  TIME."  It was a good moment for me!

In the past month or so I've felt that the drugs that I'm on, Wellbutrin, weren't doing their job anymore.  It seemed to me that I had a worse time coping, a worse time with being high up and then low down when I took them than when I didn't.  I was only on the crazy pills for about a year after Ephraim was born, and this time I was in absolutely no hurry to get off them.  I was afraid to go off them.

Now I know it's time.  I started weaning off by taking one pill every other day, then just expanding the time between taking the pills.  I thought I was doing so great, this weekend was the one week marker of no drugs, and I was feeling pretty good.  Ja and I talked about it, and even he said I seemed steadier.  We were both pretty happy with the decision, ready to move on, although always keeping an eye out for the clouds that could smother the family at any moment.

And then Saturday happened. 

It started out okay.  We were going seed planting.  We went, bought some seeds, and I was going to get some gardening gloves.  No troubles, right?  Ja suggested we wait til we stopped at his store for the gloves, because he can get them at slightly above cost.  That's all good.  I knew I was starting to feel a bit panicky...  I'm not sure why.  Well, three kids in a small and cramped seed store is never a good thing, I suppose. 

We got to Ja's store, and he made me go in, even though I just wanted to wait in the van with the kids.  Then they didn't have any gardening gloves.  And I quietly said I was going to take the baby back to the van and wait.  I got back to the van and lost it.  I don't know why I was so hurt that he thought I wanted the expensive gloves in the first place, or why it bothered me so much that they didn't have any gardening gloves at his store, but it seemed to strike me to the core.

The rest of the day simply didn't go well.  I lost it when we were trying to plant the vegetable garden because it was so not ready.  I lost it when the baby would not leave me alone.  I lost it when...  well, there were a lot of times.  And the stupidest thing?  Didn't even realize it was probably withdrawal going on until late that afternoon.  Like after dinner.

Poor Ja.  He didn't think of it either.  Just thought that his wife was some kind of crazy loon, I think. 

We did turn the day around a little.  Went for a walk to the creek, had a little splash.  Snuggled with the kids.  As soon as I realized that it was the withdrawal going on, it was like I could keep a handle on it.

Yesterday was better.

Today will be better still.

I will beat this.  WE will beat this.

I haven't much talked about this this time around.  Kind of preferring to post, albeit not very often, about my very cute (yet incredibly annoying) kids.

When I have babies, I have a wicked bout of post partum depression.  This time around, I've been on medication since I was about three months pregnant with Talya.

I could feel it coming in, edging over my consciousness... of course, the feeling sick and having to take care of two small children certainly didn't help any.

So there it was, the clouds creeping on the edge of my consciousness.  And with it comes the self doubt... the wondering why we're having another baby, the thought that maybe I'm not good enough for this life we have, the idea that maybe my faith isn't strong enough, that maybe I'm being punished for something.

It's all downhill from that point.  I can never pull myself out of it.  Hours are spent crying for no reason on poor Ja's shoulder.  I can't get myself up off the couch.  Knitting seems impossible to me.  My creativity, that which at times is my escape, is gone.  It's like there's nothing left of me, of who I am, of who I was.  I've forgotten who I am, who I want to be.

So then we go to the doctor's, where I'm already being carefully watched, and we're put on some medication.  More feeling like a failure there.  I know that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and yet it is a failure... it's a failure of my body to produce those 'happy' chemicals.  A failure of mine to keep going without help.

This time the medication was increased fairly rapidly so that I could keep the clouds at bay.  And yet they still hovered on the horizon...

Talya is nine months now.  You would think that those clouds would be gone, that it would be all sunshine and roses, and yet they're still there... ready to swoop over me at a moment's notice.  Waiting for that night when the baby won't let me sleep.  Waiting for a bad day with cranky overtired kids.  Waiting for that self doubt to hit, that thought that I'm not good enough to be responsible for these three little blessings that I have generously been given.

It makes me not trust my emotions.  I've always been an overly emotional kind of girl, things just hit me a little harder than some people.  I take comments and jokes very seriously, as a personal affront.  Only to dwell on them until they seem real...  One comment from someone can throw me into a spiral for days.

I think I will be on medication for a while longer yet.  I'm not ready to start going off of it.  I'm afraid of those clouds and what they can do to me and my precious family.  I need to be me so that I can teach them who they are.  I need to be me so that I can be a wife to my husband.  I need to keep those clouds off in the distance, at least so I can keep an eye on when they want to swoop in... be prepared to put up my umbrella so that the rain doesn't drown me when it comes.

I know that it will get better.  I know that suffering from this has been something that has brought Jason and I closer together as a couple.  I know that I have learned so much about myself, about asking for help, about being open with other people. 

I know that I can take this, this depression that so many of us suffer from, and I can make it into something good.  God has given me the strength for that, and I am going to take it.

There's something about this thing called "pride".  Pride makes us think that we can do everything all by ourselves.  Pride makes us think that we SHOULD do everything all by ourselves, and that anything less is failure.

I guess right now that makes me a failure.

Back when Ephraim was born, I was hit by a pretty wicked case of PPD. We knew that the chances of getting hit again with the peanut were pretty high, but we also knew that we could get out of it eventually.  That it was a short termed thing.

Well, I think I went back on the drugs when I was about three months along.  I have an excellent doctor who could see the signs, and she prescribed them for us nicely.

We've had to up the drugs once, and now with four weeks to go, we are doing everything in our power not to up them again.

My support circle this time around is massive.  God has drawn this group of people around us that want to help, are willing to help, and won't take no for an answer.

Why should we say no?  Because of that pride issue.  I think that we are learning humility by having to say, "you know what, we're drowning here, we need some help."

My head knows that it's okay to accept this help at this time.  God created the body of the church for just a time as this.  And, who knows, in a little while, it will be my turn to gleefully give back to the church all that I feel like I am taking right now.

This time around I have really good friends who are taking over for me.  Who want to help and who insist on helping.  I've been told repeatedly that I don't need to do it myself, that this is a short term thing, that we'll make it through.

My head understands this too... it's getting my heart to accept that I can still be a good wife and mother while accepting help that is the hard part.

I am so thankful to be part of the body of Christ.  I am so thankful that He has provided these wonderful and loving people, people that have become as much a part of my family as my own parents (who are amazing as well!).

And yes, I will let you help me.

I really use the ... a lot, don't I??  Hmmm...  I wonder how Freud would analyze that??

Anyways, yesterday was a pretty good day.  I took the kids over to the Family Resource Centre for playgroup, crashed at a girlfriend's house for some knitting and some lunch while the kids were napping...  it was nice.  The kids played nicely, they were crafty (Ephraim's crafty side is developing quite nicely!)

And then it all fell apart when we got home.  And I had a meltdown when Ja walked in the door.  One of those crying get me the heck out of here, comfort me but don't touch me meltdowns.  It wasn't pretty, I will say that.

It's moments like those, moments where I feel completely unhinged with trying to do fourty zillion things at once that I can feel the depression creeping around the edges of my consciousness.  It's like a fogginess, a cloud, threatening to take over what had been the mostly sunny part of my countenance.

The difference seems to be, or at least the difference yesterday was that we sprang into action.  Ja got it.  He could see that I was unhinging in a major way, and he took over.  After dinner I disappeared upstairs, and he kept the kids entertained downstairs.  I vanished into the bedroom, and I told him I would not be offended if he just didn't talk to me all night. 

I read my book until the kids went to bed, put the kids to bed, finished my book in silence, and then I felt better.  I found the "worth it" moment again.  That quiet time with my husband before sleep.  The telling him about the funny things that the horribles had done that day at playgroup.  How Ephraim is starting to do all the motions for the songs during circle time.  Keyzia's obsessiveness with scissors.  And in the telling, it made me remember why I get out of bed every morning.  How God gives me the strength, moment by moment to do what needs to be done, and how He throws those little blessings in there to make it all worth while.

Last night was a thunderstorm.  Brief and passing.  I hunkered down, and this morning the sun is shining once again.

I REALLY get in a slump.

Hence, no posting. 

I've been taking a bit of a break.  Not intentionally or anything, but I'm really feeling God pulling on me.  I need to put more focus on Him, but I haven't been, and I have been suffering because of it.  My prayer life has been lacking, my study time has been lacking, and then my mood is not so good either.  I just needed some tough love in order to get back into it, I think.

Anyways, mother's day turned out pretty good.  Well, I wasn't cleaning up diarrhea and puke like I was on my birthday, so that's an added bonus.  Ja got me five balls of Red Heart's Cozy Wool with strict directions to make myself something with it...  I don't know if I can handle that!  I haven't made myself something in a long time!!

Right now Ephraim is in time out.  He's been there for about ten minutes now, because every time I tell him he can come out to say sorry to his sister, he says, "Nnno!"  So there he sits.  Man, I thought that Keyz was strong willed, but the boy... the boy...  The sad thing is that I picked this battle, and now I have to win it.  Stinking kids.  Can't we all just live in peace and harmony???

I have been ruminating on the past a lot lately.  Not sure why, exactly, although I have a hunch that new things make me think of the old things.  Here it is spring, here my daughter just turned three, new house, etc, etc.

What I've really been thinking about is the depression.  How some days, I feel like I have totally conquered it, totally overcome it, and will not see any of it again.  On other days, days when I am seemingly isolated from the world, I can feel the dark tarriness of it sucking me back in.

I recently had an interview with a magazine about the depression and how I deal with it.  I spoke with a lovely lady who I'm sure I would enjoy having coffee with one day, and she asked me questions that really brought the whole thing back.  She was such a great interviewer.  It was simply like we just had a conversation between the two of us.

It's kind of funny, though, because I feel like there was so much more I should have told her.  Like how my friend Jen would come up and sit with me while I cried and cried.  How my friend Connie forced me to come out of the apartment and see her new house, forced me to make a connection with the world again.  How Jason would just hold me for hours.  How I feel like I missed out on Keyzia's toddlerhood and Ephraim's new born babyness.

It was such a dark cloud that I was in.  Jason told me, after I was nicely medicated, that he would look at me, and it was like there was no one there behind my eyes.  And, looking back, I was so sucked into myself, drowning in many many ways, that it was hard to make the connections that I needed to get out of it.

I'm totally off of meds now.  Have been for a little while.  It was a bit of a rough go at first, I almost felt like I was being sucked back into that dark place, but I had such a strong support system, so many people prayed for me, that I think God's grace pulled me through.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm headed back there...  when I'm having misunderstandings with my mom, when the kidlets have gone for an entire week without listening to me once, when Jason and I aren't really talking...  that's when I can feel the darkness creeping back in.

Looking back as I am, I wouldn't change it for the world.  While it was a terrible place to be, and if we had another baby, my chances of having post partum depression again are very very high, my relationship with my husband has been strengthened beyond measure.  He is aware of my feelings to an extent that I almost am not.  We communicate in a much more productive way.  Our love has proved itself through a very bad time.  While I am quite aware that our marriage will struggle through many many more trials, making it through this very hard one gives me the courage and the confidence to trust in the faithfulness of God to see us through. 

I think I'm glad that the past never really leaves us.  Remembering is important.  Otherwise, the lessons learned from the past would be futile... gone like memories that never were.

Will I ever completely conquer the depression?  That remains to be seen.  Will I always remember the love and support that I received through a very dark time in my life?  That will always be with me, and I will cherish it close to my heart for eternity.

well, i haven't talked about being off the meds for a while now... and i suppose it is way past time for an update.

looking back, i've been off of them for about four months, which seems to me to be a very long time!  longer than i thought anyway.  the first two weeks or so were really rough.  i didn't think i was going to be able to do it.  but, i persevered and by the Grace of God, i have made it to the point that i am at now.

so, what is that point that i am at right now?  i have good days and bad days...  just like anyone else who suffers from depression or anyone else who suffers from life.  i do find that i have a bit of a hard time discerning for myself whether i am over-reacting to a situation or not.

in the post-partum support group that i was a part of, one of the leaders said something that really stuck with me.  she told me that feelings aren't right or wrong, feelings just are.  and, it's how you deal with them that is important.  and while i still have to remind myself of that, it certainly helps.

i do think that i'm still a little more sensitive than before.  it's hard for me not to take things personally.

however, in hindsight, i would not give up that bump in my road.  it has made me a stronger person.  it has made jason and i a stronger couple.  his unending support and his ability to gauge what i need to make me stronger has been a life saver.  we are much more appreciative of each other and of the role that we each play in our family.  and we try to tell each other that as well.  i don't know what i would do without him to send me off to ballet, kick me out to walmart when i've had a rough day, and just to listen when i ramble on about things.  he is a wonderful man.

so, i'm getting better.  i'm stronger.  and this dark time has been made into a blessing.

this week seems to be having a lot of "lasts" in it.  the last time i breastfed ephraim, the last time to take my anti-depressants...  hmmm...  i guess that's it really, although, in our house those are two very significant events!

i went to the movies last night with my good friend connie.  we saw the notebook and it was so amazing.  laughed, cried, was not disappointed by the ending at all... 

but, once again, i digress.  so, i took my last pill today.  i'm a bit antsy about going off of them, but i'm sure that it's all in my head.  no pun intended.  i have such an amazing support group of family and friends, and so many people praying for me that i'm sure i'll be fine. 

as for my little baby boy who is not really a baby any longer....  i was really only nursing him the past week for my sake.  he wasn't too interested.  happier with crawling around with a bottle hanging out of his mouth!!  why is it that when we're young we want to grow up, and when we're older, we want to be young again?  he's also not too interested in baby food anymore.  despite the fact that the poor guy still has no teeth!  it's amazing what they can gum up and swallow without teeth!  he even had steak a little while ago!!

so, while this week has some lasts, it is also the start of some new things.  ephraim really starting to walk, keyzia spelling her name out loud...  the end of things doesn't really seem to be the end.  it's really just the beginning of new things, new steps and new stages.  i can look forward to that.

over, that is, but not finished. our postpartum depression support group had it's last official meeting today. what a blessing that group has been! to be able to go to a place where there is no fear of being judged, where you can reveal your true feelings, trials, joys, and accomplishments to other women who have gone through some of the same things.... it has been amazing to watch my fellow women grow and get "better" throughout the group. from the beginning when we were all crying, to today when we were laughing and joking around, we all have grown so much.

i am so thankful for each of the women in the group, and for the leaders as well. and, i'm glad that we're still going to get together in the future too!

now that ephraim is five weeks old (where did the time go!!), i think i am ready to talk about the experiences of the first few weeks.

some of you may have noticed the new "favourites" section on the left sidebar entitled "Postpartum Links", and yes i have been diagnosed with mild to moderate postpartum depression and am on medication for it.

i think it may have started while i was still pregnant with ephraim. i had times where i would just cry and cry for no apparent reason... i just chalked it up to being 9 months pregnant in august, chasing around a toddler... the usual stuff. but, the day after i had ephraim, i started crying in the hospital, and pretty much couldn't stop for two weeks. i think what started it was the trouble he had with breastfeeding early on. as a mother, you feel like such a failure when you can't get your child to breastfeed. especially since it's what you're expected to do! and especially when keyzia caught on to it with no trouble at all.... i had had little to no sleep in a room with two other women. one of which was incredibly annoying and was constantly buzzing the nurse and whining all the time. also, i had the bed by the bathroom, which had continuous traffic. no rest after giving birth equals a very emotional jamie!!

the nurses and dr's at the hospital were absolutely fabulous. after that fist night, my nurse moved us into a private room, even though our insurance wouldn't cover it. she explained that if it was their decision, it didn't matter. at least then i could get some rest. at that point, ephraim still wasn't nursing well, and every time i tried to nurse him, even with help, i would get so frustrated, and he would get so frustrated because he was hungry and not getting anything, that we would both be crying. once again, the nurses were absolutely fabulous... i can't stress that enough! they basically told me not to worry too much about it, and they supplemented him and worked with both of us. i was even told that they wouldn't send me home until ephraim got the hang of it... which he sort of has by now, considering how often he's attached to me!

so, i was still weepy when i went home. oh the crying, the crying!! it was really horrible, the lack of control that i felt... the disconnection from the world. especially when i have these two absolutely beautiful children to love... a fabulous and supportive husband... what the heck was i crying for?

we had to take ephraim in for an extra weigh in at the dr's, and the dr that we saw (ours was on holidays) prescribed me some anti-depressants (celexa), and set me up with another dr. at the hospital. i was "officially" diagnosed with postpartum depression. i also have "emergency" anti-anxiety drugs so that if i'm having a really bad day, i can feel better more quickly.

i am feeling so much more like myself now. i still have good days and bad days, and i'll be on the anti-depressants for a while, i've joined a support group, and am definitely doing much better. while i'm still pretty weepy, that really isn't much different from the way i was to begin with!

while i've been pretty quiet about this with most people.... i have to send out huge thanks for the incredible support i've gotten from my girlfriend jen, who came out at the drop of a hat, and let me cry on her shoulder more times than i can tell. it didn't even matter why i was crying to her, she just handled it!! connie has been great, finally dragging me out of my apartment for a visit with her.... my family, my sister ashley who was amazing and put up with us and slept on the couch for two weeks, my parents in particular have also been really amazing. not pushing, but if i wanted to talk or needed anything, they were always right there. especially, and perhaps most importantly, jason. my wonderful husband has been my rock. from dr's appts, to the endless and unconditional love, he has been supremely fabulous and amazing. i could not have gotten through those first few weeks without him.

so, this has been the trial that the Lord has given me at the moment... a few people have said to me (manda, being one of them!!), that maybe i have to go through this so that later i can help someone in the same position. i think this has also given me a huge sense of compassion for others who have emotional difficulties. really, the lack of control you feel over yourself and your own emotions is phenomenol and overwhelming. i feel like i can share this now because i feel like i am dealing with the problem, i have regained control of myself. and, i also don't feel ashamed of it anymore.... well, for the most part anyways! postpartum depression is an illness. an illness that sometimes can only be controlled with medications, and i happen to be one of the 40 odd percent of women who get it.

but, while every cloud does not have a silver lining, for me anyways, the sun is definitely peeking through....