There's a huge difference between what I want to write and what I do or will write.  I think that I haven't been posting much these days is because there are things I WANT to write that probably shouldn't be read.  It's like a little internal censor...  beeping out anything that might not be appropriate for people other than those closest to me.

I really want to write about how left out I feel when one of my sisters seems to always be chosen over me.  I want to write about how much it sucks that no one from my family called to wish us a happy thanksgiving even tho we had to stay home with a sick baby.  I want to write about how sometimes I'm faking it.  Holding it together, but on the inside just wanting to cry and cry.  I want to write about how much it hurts that I get the silent treatment and non-response when I choose to do something that's best for MY family instead of catering to everyone else.

I want to write about those things, but I won't.

Instead, I will write about how my baby, my now ten month old, is bloody sick again.

I mean look at that little face...  couldn't you just eat her up?  She looks so sweet... so snot free... she almost looks like she may sleep through the night even.

Yup.  A baby that anyone could love.  Quietly watching her siblings play outside.  Easy going. 

Impish smile, eating cheerios without throwing them on the flloor.

Ah yes, the perfect baby, right?

Except that now she is a screaming coughing banshee who will not let me put her down.

Except she doesn't want to be held either.

And she's mad that she's not nursing.

But she doesn't want to nurse.

sigh.

She's had pneumonia twice in her short life, and we thought she was getting it a third time until we nuked it with pro-biotics and immune booster.  This would be time number four.  More pro-biotics and more immune booster.  It's usually worse before it gets better, I just gotta remember that.

Maybe one day she'll sleep.  And that day maybe I'll sleep too.  Sleep.  Ahhhh.