I have been ruminating on the past a lot lately.  Not sure why, exactly, although I have a hunch that new things make me think of the old things.  Here it is spring, here my daughter just turned three, new house, etc, etc.

What I've really been thinking about is the depression.  How some days, I feel like I have totally conquered it, totally overcome it, and will not see any of it again.  On other days, days when I am seemingly isolated from the world, I can feel the dark tarriness of it sucking me back in.

I recently had an interview with a magazine about the depression and how I deal with it.  I spoke with a lovely lady who I'm sure I would enjoy having coffee with one day, and she asked me questions that really brought the whole thing back.  She was such a great interviewer.  It was simply like we just had a conversation between the two of us.

It's kind of funny, though, because I feel like there was so much more I should have told her.  Like how my friend Jen would come up and sit with me while I cried and cried.  How my friend Connie forced me to come out of the apartment and see her new house, forced me to make a connection with the world again.  How Jason would just hold me for hours.  How I feel like I missed out on Keyzia's toddlerhood and Ephraim's new born babyness.

It was such a dark cloud that I was in.  Jason told me, after I was nicely medicated, that he would look at me, and it was like there was no one there behind my eyes.  And, looking back, I was so sucked into myself, drowning in many many ways, that it was hard to make the connections that I needed to get out of it.

I'm totally off of meds now.  Have been for a little while.  It was a bit of a rough go at first, I almost felt like I was being sucked back into that dark place, but I had such a strong support system, so many people prayed for me, that I think God's grace pulled me through.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm headed back there...  when I'm having misunderstandings with my mom, when the kidlets have gone for an entire week without listening to me once, when Jason and I aren't really talking...  that's when I can feel the darkness creeping back in.

Looking back as I am, I wouldn't change it for the world.  While it was a terrible place to be, and if we had another baby, my chances of having post partum depression again are very very high, my relationship with my husband has been strengthened beyond measure.  He is aware of my feelings to an extent that I almost am not.  We communicate in a much more productive way.  Our love has proved itself through a very bad time.  While I am quite aware that our marriage will struggle through many many more trials, making it through this very hard one gives me the courage and the confidence to trust in the faithfulness of God to see us through. 

I think I'm glad that the past never really leaves us.  Remembering is important.  Otherwise, the lessons learned from the past would be futile... gone like memories that never were.

Will I ever completely conquer the depression?  That remains to be seen.  Will I always remember the love and support that I received through a very dark time in my life?  That will always be with me, and I will cherish it close to my heart for eternity.