First annual post a picture of a cat to your blog day!! ross has sponsored this crazy event for everyone to post a picture of your cat, or a cat in your life to your blog on friday!!

now that ephraim is five weeks old (where did the time go!!), i think i am ready to talk about the experiences of the first few weeks.

some of you may have noticed the new "favourites" section on the left sidebar entitled "Postpartum Links", and yes i have been diagnosed with mild to moderate postpartum depression and am on medication for it.

i think it may have started while i was still pregnant with ephraim. i had times where i would just cry and cry for no apparent reason... i just chalked it up to being 9 months pregnant in august, chasing around a toddler... the usual stuff. but, the day after i had ephraim, i started crying in the hospital, and pretty much couldn't stop for two weeks. i think what started it was the trouble he had with breastfeeding early on. as a mother, you feel like such a failure when you can't get your child to breastfeed. especially since it's what you're expected to do! and especially when keyzia caught on to it with no trouble at all.... i had had little to no sleep in a room with two other women. one of which was incredibly annoying and was constantly buzzing the nurse and whining all the time. also, i had the bed by the bathroom, which had continuous traffic. no rest after giving birth equals a very emotional jamie!!

the nurses and dr's at the hospital were absolutely fabulous. after that fist night, my nurse moved us into a private room, even though our insurance wouldn't cover it. she explained that if it was their decision, it didn't matter. at least then i could get some rest. at that point, ephraim still wasn't nursing well, and every time i tried to nurse him, even with help, i would get so frustrated, and he would get so frustrated because he was hungry and not getting anything, that we would both be crying. once again, the nurses were absolutely fabulous... i can't stress that enough! they basically told me not to worry too much about it, and they supplemented him and worked with both of us. i was even told that they wouldn't send me home until ephraim got the hang of it... which he sort of has by now, considering how often he's attached to me!

so, i was still weepy when i went home. oh the crying, the crying!! it was really horrible, the lack of control that i felt... the disconnection from the world. especially when i have these two absolutely beautiful children to love... a fabulous and supportive husband... what the heck was i crying for?

we had to take ephraim in for an extra weigh in at the dr's, and the dr that we saw (ours was on holidays) prescribed me some anti-depressants (celexa), and set me up with another dr. at the hospital. i was "officially" diagnosed with postpartum depression. i also have "emergency" anti-anxiety drugs so that if i'm having a really bad day, i can feel better more quickly.

i am feeling so much more like myself now. i still have good days and bad days, and i'll be on the anti-depressants for a while, i've joined a support group, and am definitely doing much better. while i'm still pretty weepy, that really isn't much different from the way i was to begin with!

while i've been pretty quiet about this with most people.... i have to send out huge thanks for the incredible support i've gotten from my girlfriend jen, who came out at the drop of a hat, and let me cry on her shoulder more times than i can tell. it didn't even matter why i was crying to her, she just handled it!! connie has been great, finally dragging me out of my apartment for a visit with her.... my family, my sister ashley who was amazing and put up with us and slept on the couch for two weeks, my parents in particular have also been really amazing. not pushing, but if i wanted to talk or needed anything, they were always right there. especially, and perhaps most importantly, jason. my wonderful husband has been my rock. from dr's appts, to the endless and unconditional love, he has been supremely fabulous and amazing. i could not have gotten through those first few weeks without him.

so, this has been the trial that the Lord has given me at the moment... a few people have said to me (manda, being one of them!!), that maybe i have to go through this so that later i can help someone in the same position. i think this has also given me a huge sense of compassion for others who have emotional difficulties. really, the lack of control you feel over yourself and your own emotions is phenomenol and overwhelming. i feel like i can share this now because i feel like i am dealing with the problem, i have regained control of myself. and, i also don't feel ashamed of it anymore.... well, for the most part anyways! postpartum depression is an illness. an illness that sometimes can only be controlled with medications, and i happen to be one of the 40 odd percent of women who get it.

but, while every cloud does not have a silver lining, for me anyways, the sun is definitely peeking through....

my beautiful and wonderful mom came up today to look after the kidlets while i got my hair cut!! ahhh... a good haircut can make you feel like a whole new woman! and, i feel like a whole new woman, thanks mark!

we also got keyzia some shoes at payless ... and, not to leave ephraim out, we went downtown and got him some robeez from ptarmigan. payless had a great buy two get one free deal going on, so i even got a new bag!! hooray! i sure love to get new stuff!

anyways, all in all, i got to drive the courtesy car, got to spend some time with my mommy, and had a great day.... aside from the carseat troubles of course.... even the kidlets were well behaved!

now, i know how horrible this show is.... but, i am addicted. one more episode to go!! ideally, i would love it to be charla and keith who won... but unfortunately charla is stuck with dave the idiot. i do feel bad for the idiot. he was simply trying to play the game too hard. but, playing both sides? did he not think that people would find out??

but...... on the upside...... last night amy finally got the boot!! man, 21 years old and she thinks she's "all that". ick. makes me sick.

so... go charla, go keith!!

here i am.... browsing around on the net... living vicariously through manda's and al's lives and realizing how sad that seems...

when did i get so old? all i talk about now are my kiddies... my groups... my hubby... i get together with my friends and we play with toys instead of dance up a storm.

but then, i realized how much it really doesn't matter to me. sure, excitement for me now is the hour that both kids are asleep at the same time. a great day is when i get to spend some time with the hubby... even just watching tv. and, that's okay. i have such joy in my life! wrestling on the floor with keyzia, cuddling a sleeping ephraim... hearing my daughter laugh at something that i've seen a thousand times, and watching my son gaze adoringly at me, as if i am the most wonderful person he has ever seen. hearing keyzia say 'momma' in that excited voice first thing in the morning... these are my joys in life. my trials, at times, but above all, my joys.

while my trips to the bar have changed to trips to the park, i wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. my life is full, complete, and i am happy. i thank God for that.

is it really possible that something this sweet and innocent can produce so much that is gross and disgusting???

it was a wild and wooly survivor premiere last night! i'm all about rupert winning this one. any man who can wear a skirt and not be ashamed of himself, deserves a million dollars! and hey, not only does he act like a pirate, he looks like one too!

however, i do think that survivor has almost completed it's run. been around for too long. while they keep adding twists, it still is getting kind of old.

this was sent to me via an email as part of a message group called Walking with Jesus Daily. i love the footprints poem, and this story just seemed a fitting piece of it.

Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your prints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns.

For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon parall eling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends.

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: your footprints that once etched the sand next to the master's are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints is the small 'sandprint', safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles. But gradually you notice another change. The footprint inside the larger footprint seems to grow larger. Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one. Again, this goes on for a long time. But then something awful appens. The second set of footprints is back. And this time it seems worse. Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints.

You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream. Now you speak. "Lord, I understand the first scene with the zigzags and fits and starts and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with you."

"That is correct."

"Yes, and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You very closely."

"Very good. You have understood everything so far."

"Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours. I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming like you in every way."

"Precisely."

"But this is my question. Lord.. Was there a regression or something? The footprints went back to two, and this time it was worse than the first."

The Lord smiles, then laughs. "You didn't know?" He says. "That was when we danced."

~ Author Unknown ~

well, my beautiful daughter, and handsome hubby are famous!! at least, they had their picture in yesterdays peterborough examiner. this must be with regards to our wendy's visit on tuesday!

if we had a scanner, then i would scan the pic.... however, i'll have to get mom to do it for me!

i lifted this pic from manda's blogware... i must admit, i don't feel too worried about it!! they always seem to blow these things up, make you think that it's going to be really terrible, and then nothing. sigh. i love bad weather. especially when you're nice and cozy in your house with a cup of tea, a hubby, and a big blankey!